Do you ever get that feeling..
When there is something you want to do and it is always in the back of your mind. Ever since welcoming my healing journey it has been deep down I have wanted to tell the world what I have been through, and not for sympathy or attention. But purely to create an awareness, that there is a perception in our minds that we can bury and hide amongst all the chaos and still look totally normal and happy on the surface. Which then makes you wonder, how many humans out there are also suffering, battling, facing their own demons or going through an awakening and no one knows or talks about it. Society has created a surface layered ideology for most, however we can break the society conformists and go deeper than we ever imagined, realising we are nothing more than a consciousness all connected as ONE experiencing growth, healing, love and missions in a physical form.
I feel I need to share my story.. through the sense of vulnerability; that is where the deepest most truthful connections of all are made.
I have chosen not to hide my struggles, but to embrace them and honor the journey. The past 4 years, I have grown, and I am definitely not the same person I was a year ago.
4 years I have battled a chronic illness, and I was very ill – it was felt like on the inside I felt like I was dying, although I looked completely normal on the outside. I experienced countless symptoms consisting of heart palpitations, digestive issues, food allergies, constipation, prickling sensations through my body, muscle/joint aches, ringing ears, chronic fatigue, memory loss, blurry vision, stomach pains, blood in stool, hair falling out, no period, depression, anxiety (24/7), racing thoughts, suicidal thoughts, nausea, jaw tremors. You name it, I had everything all at the same time. It was the most loneliest feeling I had ever experienced that felt like the pain would never end.
In the initial stage of the illness, I had early signs however I was so out of tune with my body and so focused on the surface and outside world I didn’t notice them to be anything serious. Then when it became more severe and started affecting me mentally, I realised there was something not right. I visited many doctors, and all tried to prescribe me antidepressants, and referred me to headspace. I had tests done, had weekly injections of iron and B12 and that was it. It was apparently just all in my head, which I eventually started to believe and I just wore a mask for everyone. I endured these severe symptoms silently for 2 long years and they only got worse, I bottled up everything from friends and family and pushed friends away, I didn’t want to tell anyone what was happening because at the time I thought I would be labeled crazy. I was at the end of my wits, and my body was on the verge of shutting down. I wanted to end my suffering (you don’t want to end your life, but you just want the pain to go away). When people are battling depression, they WANT to live and enjoy their life here on earth, nobody wants to be miserable.
It’s an illness, like a dark heavy weight that takes over your soul and hovers above you. And mostly, just never leaves your side. I visited a naturopath and I finally opened up about everything to someone. Cade (the naturopath) had actually gone through exactly what I was experiencing and we had some tests done, and it was known as copper toxicity, turns out it’s actually quite common to have a copper imbalance which can cause depression and other illnesses, however isn’t recognised in the mainstream medicine. I had severe levels of copper and mercury in my body ranging as high as 17.7mg and the normal level is a maximum 2mg in women. I continued then to follow a nutritional balancing program with the support of my health practitioner and friend Lewis. Who would’ve thought a heavy metal (at the time I didn’t even know we had heavy metals in our bodies) could do so much damage to your physical and mental health. Little did I know, this was the beginning of my healing journey. All along my body was trying to show me signs, screaming for help, crying out for nourishment and love. I was put on a nutritional / mineral balancing program including vitamins and I changed my whole life style to rebalance my minerals. The only way to lower your levels is to naturally detox, the heavy metals stored in your organs (such as brain) takes years to come out into your bloody stream creating the symptoms you experienced and then they are excreted. 3 years on my healing journey, I had to take a step back from my life, my social circle and friends, quit alcohol, take a step back from society in general. I lost my friends, initially though I had lost myself. In these 3 years, I have learnt more about myself than I have most of my life.
Healing, I have faced the depression, anxiety and parts of darkest places within my soul. I have sat with and observed my physical symptoms, emotions and thoughts throughout the healing letting them come and go like waves. I have endured so much pain, loneliness, hopelessness as healing is certainly not linear and all your traumas from the years come to the surface to be released.
And, then.. the healthier you begin to become, the more connected and love you begin to feel. After being in such a dark place for so long, you realise that the darkness is a teacher and the bright lights never felt so dam good. You start to see the miracles in each day, they are always around you if you look deep enough and you also know that good days aren’t always forever, and everything is temporary, it all feels like waves of energy. You start tapping into your intuition and it guides you the way like a little lamp. You start seeing signs from a higher being and realise that this was the plan all along, there was more to just detoxing, it goes deeper, my healing path.
We can block out the noise, the clutter, toxic relationships, toxic environments and look inwards, to then realise in outwards we all are connected, no different to one another and can help guide each other. All facing our own battles, on our own unique divine paths. I have learnt we don’t always get to choose this path, it chooses you. I’ve learnt not to fight this journey as the screams from the universe only get louder, but to ride the uncomfortable feelings and the good feelings that accompany you.
To those who battle depression and anxiety, my hat is off to you. I salute you! You are a god dam warrior, depression does not define you, but makes you resilient, strong and brave! I have always felt with myself, deep healing can surface depression, it is not a burden, but more an opportunity to look deeper into the shadows of one self, to sit their and truly get to know your darkness, as with darkness always comes light. Nestled in a society of many faults but a world of magic, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Remind yourself – there isn’t light without the darkness, embrace it, take pride in the warrior you are, society & social media has created these perfect images that don’t even exist. Through vulnerability is where we find true connection our souls long for and most of all, changing our environments, listen to yourself – what makes you feel good and what doesn’t. I am grateful for this chronic illness guiding me like a light to my true self.
If you are reading this, and can relate.. I would love you to message me so we can connect.
Peace and Love